Wednesday, July 26
It has been just over 2 weeks since I’ve started hospice care and about 12 days since Laurie and I opened our house to visitors to say our final goodbyes. In my last post I tried to comment on how powerful and absolutely wonderful these visits been. They continue to exceed all possible expectations.
The only downside to these visits is that they leave me totally exhausted and fully drained of energy. So, where, have I been? Simple: I’ve been visiting, sleeping or sleeping some more. Physically I continue to watch my body slowly wither away – it is extremely hard to eat and drink with such a blotted abdomen. I still get some exercise, albeit irregular. Our hospice nurse checks in twice a week to tweak my drugs. I’m getting massage and acupuncture once a week and otherwise I try to spend as much time as I possible can with Laurie. She continues to be so very supportive, positive and just plain wonderful!
As my body disintegrates further and further and the reality of my mortality becomes more apparent day by day, it must be hard for you to phantom when I say how lucky I am. The truth is I continue to love life and what it offers each and every day. I continue to adore my friends and family as they come out in droves to support my end game. I am so happy not to get poked and prodded day after day, chasing what I now truly believe to be a non-existent cure for my cancer. I love the fact that this journey has made into a better, more empathetic person.
Happy Trials my friends!
Hi Mike,
Thank you for the update from your hospice stay and know that you and Laurie are in the thoughts and prayers of all of us.
Back in the 1970s when we were “roomies” at the Hamlets in Virginia, you always went crazy with joy when you heard the Jackson Browne song “Running on Empty” come on the radio. I always thought of it as your personal anthem as you were always “Running into the Sun.”
Yesterday while I was on the road, that song came on the radio and I immediately thought of you and all the good times we had together. I had to pull over on the side of the road and just listen…as my eyes filled with tears for my friend.
When I got back home, I had to pull up the lyrics to that song one more time. That song always reminded me of you and your jest and love of life. And even now, it seems to symbolize your days as family and friends say goodbye. So, I’ve taking the liberty of posting the lyrics to the song for you below…I’m sure Jackson Browne would be honored.
Best Wishes Always and Forever to You and Laurie…
Bill
Running On Empty
Jackson Browne
Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
Looking back at the years gone by like so many summer fields
In sixty five I was seventeen and running up one on one
I don’t know where I’m running now, I’m just running on
Running on, running on empty
Running on, running blind
Running on, running into the sun
But I’m running behind
Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive
Trying not to confuse it with what you do to survive
In sixty-nine I was twenty-one and I called the road my own
I don’t know when that road turned, into the road I’m on
Running on, running on empty
Running on, running blind
Running on, running into the sun
But I’m running behind
Everyone I know, everywhere I go
People need some reason to believe
I don’t know about anyone but me
If it takes all night, that’ll be all right
If I can get you to smile before I leave
Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don’t know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
Look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too
Running on, running on empty
Running on, running blind
Running on, running into the sun
But I’m running behind
Honey you really tempt me
You know the way you look so kind
I’d love to stick around but I’m running behind
You know I don’t even know what I’m hoping to find
Running into the sun, but I’m running behind…
This is very touching. I enjoyed reading the lyrics and agree with you. Thanks for sharing with all Mike’s followers. ~Chris
I don’t see you for 2 days and it feels like forever! I can’t wait for another hug, hand hold and a story about Sun River; Tanya, Kate, Finn and Pipes, Lana, Steven and Ron. I am so glad you made it over to the east side of the mountains. Looking forward to seeing you both!…I miss my friends! Make sure you get some rest before you start visiting again. You 2 come first! Hugs, more hugs and when that is done, maybe just one more. time again. I love the heck out of you both! Blueberries will be waiting!
Dear Mike and Laurie-
Tim and I are preparing to text to see about a visit with you guys but are very mindful of the strains on your daily life. So many thoughts and so much love to give you. At this moment I decided to send some of these via cyberspace to assure that they got said. I apologize for the rambling, but I must preface this with a story that has been my mantra for Mike for some time now. Here goes:
In Hawaii, we have an iconic and beloved figure named Eddie Aikau. He was a lifeguard and surfer on the North Shore of Oahu and endeared himself to locals with many amazing accomplishments. Among them, saving over 500 people, with not a single loss of life during his service at Waimea Bay. He became a big-wave, world-class surfer and won many titles. Just an interesting factoid was that part of his Hawaiian name, Makua Hanai, means “adoptive, nurturing foster-parent. (You can see where this is going) I decided to copy and paste the next paragraph from the web which explains the last, most monumental achievement in his life:
“In 1978, the Polynesian Voyaging Society was seeking volunteers for a 30-day, 2,500-mile (4,000 km) journey to follow the ancient route of the Polynesian migration between the Hawaiian and Tahitian island chains. At 31 years of age, Aikau joined the voyage as a crew member. The Hōkūleʻa left the Hawaiian islands on March 16, 1978. The double-hulled voyaging canoe developed a leak in one of the hulls and later capsized about twelve miles (19 km) south of the island of Molokaʻi. In an attempt to get help, Aikau paddled toward Lānaʻi on his surfboard.[7] Although the rest of the crew was later rescued by the U.S. Coast Guard Cutter Cape Corwin, Aikau was never seen again. He removed his lifejacket since it was hindering his paddling of the surfboard. The ensuing search for Aikau was the largest air-sea search in Hawaiian history”.
Since that day, an almost cult-like following of his ensued in his memory. The significance of these circumstances have become that of motivation and encouragement. An expression evolved: “Eddie would go” – a powerful statement to those who understood this esoteric message. He is a Hawaiian hero.
He has manifested himself to me daily lately when I am thinking of Mike. Mikey is my Eddie. Mike is my hero. Mike has served as my personal mentor for so long….I think he knows this but it is time to say it loud and clear. This notion and conclusion came to me, not the other way around. MIKEY WOULD GO and he would smile, beam, laugh, be jubulant and grateful on the adventure. For all my days, Mikey will be there for me to encourage, give me strength, grace, passion and appreciation. I love you Mike. You have been a precious gift from God in my life.
Your strength and courage are inspirational.
Your journey, while not what the heart desires, has been eloquently executed. Thank you for writing this blog and keeping friends and family informed. While I can not be there in person to give hugs and say goodbye, my spirit is with you. I think about Laurie and you several times in a day and regularly send positive thoughts through the universe.
Wishing you much love and stamina in the coming days. Facing one’s own mortality and body’s betrayal sounds exhausting.
“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” – Mark Twain
I am sorry that in our busy lives, we had not more time together. Knowing you has been a privilege.
Yours Truly,
Bonnie
OMG Bill,
Did you hit the nail on the head with JB! I too have loved that song from the first time I heard it, often times blaring it out with no awareness that someone may be listening or to it’s suggestiveness of someone who is just too busy with life. It now has a whole new meaning to me! Now I don’t give a hoot who hears it and hope they can understand the pure, raw emotion behind the lyrics. I have just listened to it 4 times in a row with tears of both sadness and pure joy as I do my best to both listen and feel, and then sing along. I do not know you and assumed you were a friend of Mike’s from here in Eugene. It is great that you gave that tidbit of information that you too, are a very long time friend of “our” Mikey’s. Thank you!
!! i love typos. yes you do look like a phantom of your formerly superbuff self, and yet, as i see you-You are being honed to the essence of that self, which is why I love you more than ever. And would feel honored to lodge a piece of you in my heart , Forever and Always
Dearest Mike,
You were so in my thoughts over the last weekend as I headed to and from Valdez on the Richardson Highway. It was a beautiful sunny day both directions like it was over 20 years (unbelievable) ago when we did the bike trip from Anchorage to Portage then via train to Whittier then via ferry to Valdez and on to McCarthy via our muscles. Not much has changed along the Richardson, though cars can now drive through the tunnel to Whittier and i heard they paved the road to McCarthy in the last couple years, and of course the state did away with the tram across McCarthy creek replacing with foot bridge maybe 12 years ago. Just as the infastructure around us changes for the better or the worse over time so do we. But those memories bring us back to what was and all the emotions that went with it. It is those laughs, talks and adventures, big and small, that is what I hold close now as I think of you far away.
I have been reading various poems, little writings and quotes over the last three months.
This one makes me think of you, your living life to its fullest and a reminder of what is important in life.
“Life is good to those who know how to live. I do not ever hope to accumulate great funds of worldly wealth, but I shall accumulate something far more valuable, a store of wonderful memories. When I reach the twilight of life I shall look back and say I’m glad I lived as I did, life has been good to me.”
–Sigurd F. Olson (Minnesota writer and environmentalist)
Admittedly it is very sad and difficult to think of where your life is now. And especially where Laurie is, with my own recent loss of Tom.
But I truly, am so happy to hear that you are content and at peace where you now find yourself and able to soak up the time you have with Laurie and visitors.
May the all the love of family and friends continue to surround both you and Laurie and bring you comfort.
I send virtual hugs to you both.
much love,
Melonie
Mike,
You have not only had tremendous influence on Richie, you have also inspired me as well. Your energy and thirst for what life offers is always so evident to everyone with whom you interact. Whenever we have an opportunity to engage, I can’t help but feel like I have been walking with greatness. Your demeanor always welcomes everyone and encourages us, to go beyond who we are as typical human beings. Mike, your legacy will never be taken lightly, whether that is reflected in Richie, your students, Laurie or your wonderful family, and countless friends. You have and continue to make us all better than who we might otherwise be. Hopefully we will all be able to continue to carry your torch, your legacy. Thank You, and I truly love you.
Stevie Gee
Dear Mikey,
I saw Nancy Meltzoff and James at the Sunday Streets today, and Nancy told me you’re in hospice. That really sucked the air out of the entire outdoors for a few moments and then recovering, I took a deep breath and exhaled a huge hug full of love your way. I came home and caught up on your blog. Your voice conveys so much strength and grace and kindness… so much love. I have a similar sense as Pam Smith… I’d love to see you, however I want to be mindful of the toll it takes; may you conserve energy for whatever precious moments you have with Laurie and family and dear friends. I’ll text Laurie. No worries if the window of opportunity has passed. Love knows no boundaries; I know / trust the essence of what I’m feeling is making it your way.
Sweet tears keep falling down my face. I am so glad our paths crossed and we were able to dance and enjoy some repartee. You were on the receiving end of so many of my students from elementary school. It was comforting to know that you would be a presence in their middle school lives to inspire and keep them shining their light in a healthy direction. I think I first met you when you started teaching at Spencer Butte Middle School. I remember wondering, “Who’s this long curly hair guy with a huge smile in a black tuxedo-like suit and skinny black tie? Thank God for fresh air!!!” I think you wore a jaunty hat too… so against school policy. Loved that!
Mikey… I love and adore you. I am so happy that you enjoyed your life so fully. I think you compressed 100 years of living full on into the life that you have lived.
We should all be so committed to living as fully as you, and so graciously and courageously letting it play out as it is. You are an inspiration.
Dear Friend and Brother…I wish you joy. I wish you peace. I wish you ease.
With Love,
Julia
Dear Mike –
I just wanted you to know that I love you and feel very lucky to have you as a cousin! Whenever I see you, you always brighten my day. I have always admired how you took life by the horns and rode it hard. I will never forget what you told me many years ago. You said, “Jayme, life is not a spectator’s sport, so go out and live it!” I will never forget that, and I hope I can live life as full as you have.
Words escape me as I find myself speechless (and anyone that knows me, knows that I’m not often rendered speechless). Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and the thoughts and prayers of so many people!
I will love you always –
Glue 🙂
Just in case you’re in the mood for a little humor, here’s a YouTube video my sister took when I first tried out a WooHoo air sofa. They made it look so easy to fill up the two chambers with air and make a comfy sofa… just what we needed for our patio. Except, I had some difficulty getting air into the chambers.
https://youtu.be/TG_n_RexHto
Mike, you are in my heart each and every day and always will be. Even though our times together were pretty brief, the impact was enormous. I know that you have many friends and family so I don’t want to take any precious time away from them. Just please know how important you are to all of us.
Mikey, Since I received word that you are in hospice, not an hour has gone by that I haven’t thought about you. Even now I’m allowing myself a few tears as I write this and think about you.
When I saw you this morning at the bank I resolved to share some thoughts with you before I leave town for a few days.
Over the last 25 years or so we have shared a lot of experiences including; teaching together and taking loads of kids on Traveling School, cross country skiing, some memorable climbs, meals and various social events. During that time you have always impressed me with your incredible spirit and your amazingly positive attitude. Your capacity to see the joy in life and the good in others is not a common characteristic. I have learned so very much just by watching you and riding in your wake. My students at Kelly Middle School would always assure me that although I was a good teacher and one of their favorites, a special place was always reserved for Mr. Heil in their hearts and minds. You somehow had the capacity as a middle school math teacher to be most students favorite, not an easy feat!
I realized then as I do now, that those students and others who have gotten to know you are in on the secret: Mike Heil is an example of what humanity is all about. Just think what would happen on this planet if we could all have an outlook on life and a positive attitude like Mikey. You are extraordinary!
I will remember you always and am so appreciative of you. Thank you for showing me how a graceful life plays its last few hands. I love you.
I’m thinking of you both today and hoping you’re finding some way to get relief from the heat.
Much love,
Beth
Mike,
Like so many others I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Recently I even got to hug you from where I have been, which is on the sidelines watching hopefully. But as you say, “life is not a spectator’s sport, so go out and live it!” So now I want to embrace you and carry on from where you have been, which is lucky you say. You are the role model for what living a good life means. We are all lucky to be alive and to have a part of you in us, tickling our throat and making us smile to think of you. You are a loving, kind, giving and receiving being that has graced this earth and you will be missed so much. But, you are passing on the gift of loving life, jumping in, climbing on, accepting and enjoying the ride. Thanks so much for letting me get close enough to share in your joy.
This morning I woke up early and went for a run. I didn’t want to, but had decided to the night before, so I did it. As I was running I was thinking to myself…ughhh, this is hard; I’m tired; I’m running too slow; there’s too much smoke in the air…you know, lots of negative talk. Then I looked up towards the horizon and thought to myself, what a beautiful morning. It’s a fabulous temperature, birds are out, the grass is green, the road is quiet, and really, the smoke makes the sun rise just lovely. I realized I had Mike Heil-ed my way out of negative thinking, and it made me smile and enjoy the rest of my morning run. You will always be that person for me.
Dearest Mike (Or Mr. Heil as I love to call you and fully enjoy you correcting me),
Today I ran into some old Cal Young friends and realized I hadn’t checked in for far too long. If you are still taking visitors, I’d love to come by. If you are not, I understand that too.
I want you to know you have touched my life, and my career in a way I am certain I can’t appropriately describe. The time I spent across the hall, or downstairs from you was magical. To have a mentor, colleague, and friend to turn to each day was inspiring. You are the real deal! You are a masterful teacher who so loves and respects his students and colleagues that it is visibly evident in everything you do. Thank you! Thank you for making me a better teacher, colleague, and human. I hold you as the bar to achieve. Each day I strove to be worthy of teaching along side of you. I won’t forget that, ever. You brought out the best in me and made me want to reach higher.
I will forever relish skiing with you, hiking the butte, or simply sitting in your classroom chatting. Like so many, I’m taken with your zest for life, your love of the outdoors, and the way you embrace happiness. I can’t help but visit Willamette Pass without looking for your car, envisioning you skiing the backside, hoping to run into you at the lift or in the bar. That’s how I see you, how I’ve seen you for years when I close my eyes or wonder where you are … skiing the back side of life, pushing through the deep, taking on terrain that would make me cry with a giant smile on your face.
I positively adore you Mr. Heil! And I just can’t help adding the Mr. because it’s the only thing I ever had to appropriately convey the respect I have for you. You are larger than life, and certainly larger than someone I should be calling by first name. You are the grown up who let me leave the kids’ table to sit with you.
I adore you sir. I feel blessed to be able to call you my friend! Thank you. Thank you for all of it!
Joyce
Heil, I second everyone’s words above. You have taught me to live, to truly live. The shit I have done, the hearts I have hurt- because of you I am finally ready to let it go and just start living. You are my mentor, friend, drinking buddy (in the day) and will always, every day be my new meditation mantra “what would Heil do?” I love you and Laurie. Healing and love…..
I like to think that as we pass on from this life we join the cosmos and our hearts are full of the love, joy and peace of complete rest from earthly suffering and worries. Life with a new perspective. We join those before us and wait for those we leave behind. This thought/feeling brings me great happiness and peace, and I hope you feel it too.
Hugs and love for you and Laurie as you travel forward in your journey.
Happy Trails to you Mike. Don’t know exactly where you will go but I do know it’s “out of this world” amazing … As you melt into Life/Love/God/freedom/Bliss. Sounds like you regularly experience that BLISS and I’m happy for you. Fly free Mike and we will never ever forget you. See you beyond the veil. We are all going there… I love you Mike. I love you Laurie.