Thursday, January 19
Laurie and I spent three wonderful days visiting with family – Lana, Tanya, Kate, Finn, Piper, Larry and Michelle – in the Bay Area. At every turn, we had lots of fun. We were keenly reminded how much each one of these folks add meaning and bring joy to our lives. In my spare time I had fully prepared for our follow up appointment at UCSF. I was especially happy that Susan would once again be able to attend.
I exited the appointment sorely disappointed. My understanding about how neuro endocrine marker and PSMA PET scan data would affect future treatment was vague and hazy at best. I still had little comprehension of why my PSA had risen while visible liver lesions were shrinking. I continued to struggle with drug side effects. Most disappointing was not knowing my treatment plan when Enazlutamide failed to work. I was searching for clear answers, but I was getting uncertainty!
Let me be clear, I do not blame Dr. Small and his team at UCSF for failing to get me what I wanted. How could he possibly provide me with certainty, if my case was indeed on the “edge of knowledge” as Dr. Beer had suggested a few months ago? How did Dr. Small know how my cancer would present itself and what treatment therapies would be available as a result of medical advances when Enazlutamide failed me?
What I learned this past week is something that we all already know quite well: Life is Uncertain. Life is uncertain for me, life is uncertain for Laurie, life is uncertain for you, life is uncertain for everyone on this planet. Perhaps that is what makes life so interesting and engaging? Perhaps that is why advice from Thich Nhat Hanh can work so well for us.
Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.
All this said, at this very moment, I am quite certain of one thing. That is, I experience unbridled joy when I think of my dear sister. She is working her way out of the pit of her lonely illness. Doing so, she has expressed a never dying love for me! And that certainly makes me happy!
Good on ya Mate………You tapped an intriguing one. “Certainty within Uncertainty”: the vexing challenge of life, the pursuit of contentment, joy & fulfillment…….If worked on too hard it becomes paralyzing/mindboggling; but inspiring when successful. You tapped a solid cord w/ Mr. Hanh ~ Just Breathe and Smile in the Process~.
My question: If life is really a Book (and like many of my finest reads, the latter chapters are some of the finest), why do we fret so, as the chapters begin to wane??? Would reading it backwards suit us better? I doubt it. LIVE IT, as the wonderful mystery it is.
Hang in there, as I know you are, for our daylight hours are growing longer. May the body fatigue soon pass as the outdoor climbing wall begins to dry out. Can’t wait to hear of the upcoming climbing destinations!
Keep the growing family circle alive and engaged with your energetic foresight.
Also, welcome to the Blog Sis. We all have our mountains in life~ just try to Enjoy the Climb as we go! (Not sure who I quoting on that??)