Saturday, December 10
Apparently my journey has temporarily diverted me away from my friends in ‘blog land’. Well, I am back on this cold, wet winter day in the Pacific Northwest.
For the last few weeks, despite physically feeling better than ever, I find myself struggling. I have fallen back to a place filled with anxiety and unrest. I get extremely agitated over the smallest things – a conversation, a sequence of events, a phone wait. Minor obstacles often seem insurmountable. I cannot seem to just let things roll off my back, like water off a duck. I cannot seem to trust that things will work out without sticking my nose in every tiny detail.
Where is my middle way?
It is not quite as bad as the four-year old temper tantrum, but there are overtones of such. Embarrassing! After settling down, which normally does not take long, I find myself sad and reflecting on how pathetic I had acted. These feelings are new, real and upsetting. My hope is that as I face them squarely I will develop strategies to deal with them.
So it goes, as I continue in the vein of: “Keeping it Real”.
Despite this real struggle, it feels good to be home. I busily continue my current full time job – preparing for my next treatment. The doctors want blood tests, a CT scan, a Bone scan, a Biopsy and more blood tests. I want to be fully appraised of what to expect and what needs to be decided so I read and communicate often. I never imaged that I would accept a job requiring an early morning flight from Eugene to San Francisco only to return late that same evening. I thought that was for jet set executives types – not the likes of me. It’s not quite frantic but far more hectic than I like!
Be assured all is NOT dark and gloomy. The photos from this past Wednesday show how easy it was to get a campsite and the magical winter wonderland in which we played! You may ask how hard can it really be to center yourself when such beauty surrounds you? That’s exactly what I am thinking right now!
Dear Mike,
I am in awe of your willingness to be honest with yourself and with others about the personal challenges of this journey. It makes perfect sense that when faced with such a daunting health crisis that is out of your control that you would find yourself trying to control any number of other daily experiences that come your way. Yeah, OK, it’s embarrassing in retrospect … but please be kind and patient with yourself. This kind of life crisis is as big as they come. Of course you’re going to feel majorly distressed sometimes … and … as you have already discovered, you also are filled with the keen joy of life and loved ones at others. None of us can have just the upper curve of the sine wave. When you’re in the lower part of the wave, however, it can seem hard to believe that transcendent experiences will come again. But they will, whether you believe it or not at that moment. Lots of love to you!