Sunday, September 18
I find myself in new territory – not off-route on a new multi pitch climb, nor turned around in search for that return ski track as the white-out intensifies, nor unsuccessfully communicating with the peoples of the Guatemalan highlands who speak their native Quiche. My new territory is an uncharted, deep personal emotional terrain – where I am struggling intensely!
I really thought I had gotten my head around my diagnosis and was settling in for the battle. Whether that battle requited a fighting determination or a careful yielding I thought I was equal to the task. Now I am realizing that I might not be ready. My emotional compass seems broken and I feel rudderless. It continually amazes me how often I break down (often to tears) and how unstable I feel – novel, sad and disturbing.
I feel like I am straddling a crevasse on the side of a mountain. The ground shifts slightly and I sway off balance – slipping, teetering, floundering, wobbling. I don’t know whether to hop right or left, proceed forward or back………………which way do I go – or do I just stay? Heck, most times I don’t feel control enough to even decide!
My hope is that this thing can be turned around soon – regardless of whether I take an active or passive role in doing so. I wish to embrace this new terrain, make it my new friend. After all, throughout my life, I’ve always gotten a kick out of navigating the unknown territories. I’ve always liked the thrill of not knowing exactly what is around the next bend. So then, I ask,……..………
Why should this be any different?
A view from the top of my hike today!
Tears of laughter, tears with pains,
I find my heart also rains.
I want to run and climb aboard,
And cry out loud and yell “NO MORE!”.
There is a battle yet to fight
So Mikey “D” go torch that blight!
And if you fall we’ll pick you up
And love you so just like a pup.
For we are all so full of pride
Where ever you go along this ride.
As marriage is to your best friend
We’ll all be here till bitter’s end!
And Mike, it will be a LONG, LONG time as you have yet to accomplish that insatiable hunger for life. FMO baby doll!!!!!!! Whenever in doubt just breathe, always deeply.
Mike,
I greatly admire this blog you have been writing. It is so vivid and intimate that I can feel like I am living thru your journey. Thank you for sharing!
Mike, Just want to check in and again thank you for sharing your struggles, thoughts and emotions. A rough time and you’re handling it superbly, as I would expect you would. So many hard questions, no easy answers, of course it wears you out and you occasionly break down, who wouldn’t. The amazing thing is you come back, look at it from a different angle and then keep going as strong as you can. So inspiring !
As for you feeling rudderless, I can offer you a solution; I’ve been told, more then once, that I have too many rudders (6 or so but who’s counting), so come on up, we’ll go sailing and I’ll send you home with a couple. All my best to you and Laurie, I think of you both every day..
As I used the rudder metaphor, I thought of you, Captian. I so appreciate you being there for me and finding me a solution to the rudderless problem. Thanks pal!