A Smaller Circle……..

Saturday,  September 10:

One would certainly think that when retired, with sufficient financial resources, a completely functional mind, body and spirit and an extensive, supportive social network life would be EASY. There would simply be no room, no space for stress, anxiety or angst. Well, at least that is what I would have thought!

The reality is, in my life of apparent leisure; I am now burdened by a nagging angst. This angst manifests itself as a fatigue in three areas. The physical fatigue is understandable, as the effects of chemotherapy still linger – doctors say at least 3 more months. More importantly, I feel extremely fatigued after social interactions. This is a new, strange feeling as for my entire life I’ve drawn energy from social interactions – the classic extrovert! Finally, I feel overwhelmed by angst and fatigue when making even the simplest plans. Moreover, I experience a distinct frustration in dealing with complications and cancellation of these plans. This is particularly odd, as I have always viewed myself as a logistics expert, especially having juggled the needs of 30+ adolescents in the classroom multiple times a day, every weekday, all yearlong.

It has been suggested that there might be something deeper going on, but I remain unsure. Perhaps it is as simple as just me trying to do too much – remember FMO? In any case, I’ve decided not to dwell on the underlying issue(s). I’ve decided to act by directing more of my energies inward, which means I will be drawing a smaller circle around me in order to create more down time – less social time. I’ve also decided to concentrate on bringing small joys into my life. I want to feel more and think less. I want to be more spontaneous. I want simple things, like: breathing deeply, warm sunshine on my bare feet, truly hearing the rush of rivers, pedaling slowly through the big trees, standing in the surf and pushing sand through my toes, acknowledging the smiles on passing faces, licking an ice cream cone and embracing the laughter of the kids in the playground. I want a break from thinking about killing cancer cells, avoiding sugar in my diet, where and when is my next western or eastern medical. I am in search of a deep-seated rest for mind, body and soul.

It occurs to me that as I go down this road, some of my friends may feel ignored. I assure you all this is certainly not my intention. I intend to only temporarily shrink down my social circle – a way to turn inward.

Stay tuned……….as my energy ebbs and flows.