Wednesday, June 29
Monday, June 27, was my worst day since treatment began! Actually the rocky times began four evenings earlier at the end of Thursday night’s party and continued all the way through Monday evening.
The time was rich with social activity. We celebrated my 60th and Lynn’s 85th birthday with small parties at our house. Lana’s weeklong visit was marvelous. We had a fun diner with Captain Steve on Sunday night. I tried to keep up the exercise regime, but all came crashing down on Thursday night as the steroid wore off and the chemo drugs took full effect. Each of the following four days got progressively worse – extreme physical fatigue, wrecked emotionally and significant cognitive impairment. Like I’ve said before, those little drugs sure do pack a mighty punch!
I am almost embarrassed to relate Monday’s story. It is clearly the nadir and may seem wretched and pathetic. Perhaps an overview:
After two struggling days, Laurie and I awake early to see Carter. We arrive home early afternoon and as Laurie shuttles off to her own doctor’s appointment, I attempt to grocery shop. I try to make a list but am baffled by my inability to comprehend the recipe on Laurie’s computer screen. I puzzle for minutes and give up. I fumble around for bags, wallet, sunglasses etc., get the bike and set off. I am amazed at how slow I ride. The air seems as thick as oil as I struggle to inch forward. It is hot in the blinding sun. I finally arrive and stumble into the store. It takes all I got to figure out types and quantities of meat to purchase (I would love to replay the conversation I had with the meat counter guy). I continue. I get confused and overwhelmed in the spice aisle and feel tears welling up. Are you kidding me? I am delighted to recognize the familiar label on the red wine vinegar. Yes! I move to the produce section and am overjoyed when I recall Laurie telling me she likes the yams from the leftmost box. The rest of the produce experience turns into a disaster. I randomly throw in bunches of broccoli, swiss chard, cauliflower, lettuce, carrots and whatever else seems familiar. How I made it through the checkout line is unclear – a blur. I lug my panniers outside, attach them and realize that my water bottle cage had fallen off. A truly random event, yet disturbing! I pick it off the ground and shove it into a pack. I painstakingly trudge home – any slower and I would be biking backwards! Upon opening the refrigerator, I realize I need to make room. I am overwhelmed as I sit on the floor for minutes simply shuffling items around feeling the cool air escape. I’ve accomplished nothing so I quit. I stand and begin to transfer the rice into a new glass container. As it fills, Laurie bounds in the back door asking: “How did it go?” I say, “Terrible!” and immediately break down in tears. I cry uncontrollably. I tremble. I fumble. I am completely and utterly exhausted – mentally, physically and emotionally! I am Wrecked! Wasted! Useless!
I am not sure how much time past, but I awake in bed upstairs, with a tear soaked pillow. Laurie enters, lies by my side and just holds me for a long time. Her presence brings me back from an edge. We finally talk a little. We get up; we eat a little and just sit. I feel my being slowly filling up again. Somehow, I trust that I’ve hit bottom and things are about to improve. I think I had experienced the “darkest before the dawn”.
Where this journey is taking me has been and continues to be quite astounding and incredible. I wonder what is next?
Hang in there rock buddy! I very much know how you feel. You are going to make it out of this. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other. Keep shifting gears. You are a strong spirit!
I am so amazed by your tenacity, spirit to endure, brutal honesty and embrace as you flip the next card… fight on, Mike!
Mikey….you may be WRECKED and WASTED, however you are as far from being USELESS as we are to finding World Peace! You are soooooo needed by all of us. Look at the comments, feel the energy that abounds and the warmth in peoples hugs, the words that are written in notes and cards and the tears of both joy and sadness that we share with you. USELESS is those damn cancer cells that provoke all these nasty and blatant symptoms & feelings it throws at you! This might sound dumb, however what breaks you down will only make you stronger!! You are my Hero! We are all with you on this one. Hugs now and always! Can’t wait to see you and give one. xo kt
Whoa Mike…..So many people have asked me about you, and wonders how it must feel for Mike
during the chemotherapy treatments. You wrapped it up in your latest blog. I know of no one in this world that has taken on cancer as you have, showing those who need a different road to travel down. Oh, and thinking of roads traveled………….
I remember the first time you took me up Gimple Hill. I was riding “white lightening”. Jeez that was so darn hard. You rode next to me, encouraging me up that blasted hill. You’d say,”you’re almost there”…..”I can see the top Spence!”. Then you said the magic words, “Can you imagine the downhill!” You taught me to take those hills with a passion because I could always look forward to the downhills. Chemo has to be the longest and toughest hill on the planet…..and you are still teaching all of us.
Imaginese el descenso!!!!! Lana
Michael,
I’m so very sorry that your fight against cancer had taken a dreadful turn for the worse. I hope by the time you read this that your starting back uphill and feeling just a bit better. I liked the comment that Linda left for you: “Keep shifting gears. You are a strong spirit!” Keep Shifting Gears indeed to mentally climb out of the valley your body is currently in! What a great analogy!
Your road to recovery has been a long and treacherous one filled with exhaustion, pain, and anguish. But as you always told me: “Delta H = Zero!” Don’t be afraid to just rest and let your body heal itself before you start slowly climbing up the next hill again. I know you have the mental strength to pull yourself up and out of this and back up to where you started.
With my most sincere thoughts and prayers for your recovery,
Bill
I am even more grateful that you took the energy to come see Dave’s photos last night – thank you!
I am continually amazed at the power of my friends’ comments. They are incredilbly uplifting and inspiring! I truly feel your support as you walk along with me on this fascinating journey. Thank You ONE and ALL!
Hi fellow June birthday friend and thank you for the kind birthday wishes! So sorry to hear about the July 3 meltdown-but so appreciate your heartfelt honesty about the journey. You are such a joyous upbeat person, and it’s even against your nature to be otherwise, but your family and friends understand that this horrible disease will have incredibly low lows. Thanks for keeping it real, we are with you no matter what. We thank Yahweh that you have such an incredible life partner in Laurie and the “Who are you?” support group.
oops meant June 27 meltdown, making the birthday wishes you sent all the more meaningful-reaching out to others at your lowest.xo