Friday 6/17:
I was looking into the mirror and realizing that it was my hand guiding the razor over my jaw. This intensely strange experience brought me back to another lifetime. It had been almost forty years since I fully shaved my beard!
I left the mirror and entered the shower. I lamented losing my beard. It was mine. I had lived with it forever. It had been a part and parcel of me. I was shaving it away not because I wanted a new look, but because the androgen deprivation drug was transforming it into thin, ugly, isolated, straggly wisps of hair. Losing the beard is only one of the nagging side effects of this tremendously powerful drug – the drug which wrecks havoc on my body. My body is changing more rapidly than a thirteen-year boy entering puberty – but in the exact opposite direction. It is so strange, unnatural and exceedingly difficult to comprehend. Was I getting depressed?
Instantly, I realized the defunct beard was indeed no more than a mere side effect. The drug I was taking for the past two months is directly responsible for lowering my PSA by over 95%. It is starving cancer cells, shirking tumors and literally giving me a new lease on life. I flash back to the desperate night of April 14 when I learned I had metastatic prostate cancer and I did not know where to turn or what to do. I was lost then, but now I have a working plan of which this drug is an integral part! This drug was doing exactly what it was supposed to do – setting me up to be a long-term cancer survivor!
Still in the shower under the spill of luxurious hot water, my thoughts turned to all those doctors, scientists, researchers, post-docs, grad students, lab assistants, drug company employees, FDA workers and philanthropists (big and small) who have been tirelessly dedicated to the eradication of cancer. Simple old me was now a hugely thankful recipient of their years and years of effort.
I felt bigger than life…………immensely grateful………..and ever so happy. I felt as though I had just awakened from a dream. I wanted to run down the stairs and give Laurie a gigantic kiss and say:” People Care. They are making my life a Grand experience!”
This is my dedication to all those hard working folks, my allies, engaged in fighting my cancer. YOU ROCK!
It’s tough to let go of any part of ourselves; an identity that has been a part of defining how we see ourselves and who we are. When I met you, you were tucking your longer tendrils of hair into a pony tail, and even as that vestige shortened over the years, the facial hair remained. As a woman, and a professional in the ‘beauty’ business, I can certainly relate to loss of what once defined me in appearance and looking forward, sometimes anxiously, to what its absence would bring. In your case, I love the fresh face you’re sporting, and from the picture, you look like a warrior at rest with a heart and soul that are open, gracious and loving yet equally, fierce. I also love the metaphor of you ‘facing’ this abolition completely open, naked and vulnerable, which, in my opinion, is true empowerment.
All the hours, years and whole lifetimes of dedicated people on the cancer war path combined with what you bring to the table puts these cancer cells in great peril. You have my deepest respect with the heart, courage, fortitude and awareness you bring to this journey. Thanks again for sharing. Love, Michelle
Mikey D….Welcome to “Man-O-Pause”. We loved you with your beard and will love you even more without one!
Mike and Laurie-
Though we don’t send a reply everyday, we are vicariously on your journey with you. The reason? It is hard to find words for this path that we travel with you. Honored, yes, but perhaps more apt: marvelous and thrilling to read even further into Mike’s soul than we thought we were. We find ourselves bouyed by your words, Mike, and feel the gratitude with you for the folks to whom you dedicated your latest entry. Inspired by your story and just by who you are. Love you guys so much, Pam
THANK YOU – Pam, Katie and Michelle – beautiful words! You are the examples to which I refer when I express my gratitude for all those friends fully behind us on our incredible transformative journey.
Mr Heil
It is great to hear your thoughts. When you beat this damn cancer your beard will grow back curly and beautiful. You will look like Lau Tze with new wisdom. Keep riding your bike with that light we talked about. Take care!!
Clarice
You still look quite a handsome dude! 😉
You bring tears to my eyes. Thanks Mike. Intensely alive and happy. Gratitude spread far and wide.