Wednesday, June 29
Monday, June 27, was my worst day since treatment began! Actually the rocky times began four evenings earlier at the end of Thursday night’s party and continued all the way through Monday evening.
The time was rich with social activity. We celebrated my 60th and Lynn’s 85th birthday with small parties at our house. Lana’s weeklong visit was marvelous. We had a fun diner with Captain Steve on Sunday night. I tried to keep up the exercise regime, but all came crashing down on Thursday night as the steroid wore off and the chemo drugs took full effect. Each of the following four days got progressively worse – extreme physical fatigue, wrecked emotionally and significant cognitive impairment. Like I’ve said before, those little drugs sure do pack a mighty punch!
I am almost embarrassed to relate Monday’s story. It is clearly the nadir and may seem wretched and pathetic. Perhaps an overview:
After two struggling days, Laurie and I awake early to see Carter. We arrive home early afternoon and as Laurie shuttles off to her own doctor’s appointment, I attempt to grocery shop. I try to make a list but am baffled by my inability to comprehend the recipe on Laurie’s computer screen. I puzzle for minutes and give up. I fumble around for bags, wallet, sunglasses etc., get the bike and set off. I am amazed at how slow I ride. The air seems as thick as oil as I struggle to inch forward. It is hot in the blinding sun. I finally arrive and stumble into the store. It takes all I got to figure out types and quantities of meat to purchase (I would love to replay the conversation I had with the meat counter guy). I continue. I get confused and overwhelmed in the spice aisle and feel tears welling up. Are you kidding me? I am delighted to recognize the familiar label on the red wine vinegar. Yes! I move to the produce section and am overjoyed when I recall Laurie telling me she likes the yams from the leftmost box. The rest of the produce experience turns into a disaster. I randomly throw in bunches of broccoli, swiss chard, cauliflower, lettuce, carrots and whatever else seems familiar. How I made it through the checkout line is unclear – a blur. I lug my panniers outside, attach them and realize that my water bottle cage had fallen off. A truly random event, yet disturbing! I pick it off the ground and shove it into a pack. I painstakingly trudge home – any slower and I would be biking backwards! Upon opening the refrigerator, I realize I need to make room. I am overwhelmed as I sit on the floor for minutes simply shuffling items around feeling the cool air escape. I’ve accomplished nothing so I quit. I stand and begin to transfer the rice into a new glass container. As it fills, Laurie bounds in the back door asking: “How did it go?” I say, “Terrible!” and immediately break down in tears. I cry uncontrollably. I tremble. I fumble. I am completely and utterly exhausted – mentally, physically and emotionally! I am Wrecked! Wasted! Useless!
I am not sure how much time past, but I awake in bed upstairs, with a tear soaked pillow. Laurie enters, lies by my side and just holds me for a long time. Her presence brings me back from an edge. We finally talk a little. We get up; we eat a little and just sit. I feel my being slowly filling up again. Somehow, I trust that I’ve hit bottom and things are about to improve. I think I had experienced the “darkest before the dawn”.
Where this journey is taking me has been and continues to be quite astounding and incredible. I wonder what is next?
The rounds of this prize fight continue to drag on and it is turning into a slug fest – reminds me of the 1973 Ali vs. Frazier fight in MSG when I was a kid! I’ve taken some body blows and the legs are weary but I think the cancer cells are far worse for the ware.
Upon returning from a long day in Portland with Laurie and Lana yesterday, I feel like THE Prize Fighter in a highly publicized 15 round heavy weight bout. It is Round 3 and I am feeling great. I dance and weave around my opponent – cancer cells and chemotherapy drug side effects!
I got up this morning feeling great and ready to jump back on that yard project. Perhaps the breaking of the four day heat wave (high 90’s) or a slight relaxation of cardio workouts are the real reasons. Ah, heck who cares, there is so much going in and around this body I don’t really care about cause and effect. I only care about feeling strong and whether those cancer cells are continually being pounded and starved!
Laurie got a break from the Portland doctor trek this week as Joey volunteered to drive me. We made a fun day of it together. At OHSU, I found Joey joking with the nurses, one of which seemed a little concerned with exactly who should get the androgen deprivation drug injection. Him, playing with the wheel chairs in the parking lot was quite amusing. The unabashed parading of his pride and joy, Bo, through the lobby of the hospital was quite the sight – many heads turned, attracting gobs of attention and receiving pet after pet. We had a classic ‘city lunch date’ and then paraded through interesting neighborhoods and retail therapy outlets. The man has not lost his charisma and touch, or his driving prowess. I was reminded of many fond cruising together memories. Way cool!
Yesterday I received my third chemotherapy treatment, followed by a great overnight visit with Linda and Chris at their home. Today, Carter’s acupuncture treatment was delicious. I feel slow, good and quite relaxed!